bengallyeo's Xanga

Monday, December 05, 2005

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 05:21:48 GMT

heart ¢¾

let wild pegasuses soar within

let molten chocolate choke within

let spiral rainbow lubricate within

let strawberry seedlings nurture within

let giant unicorns gallop within

let intense solarbears shine within

let mighty pink and awesome pink marsh within

let horny cats yawn within

let gay stormtroopers reign within

let sinful ice cream melt within

let stray bullets spray within

let carbonated milkshake bubble within

let servicing whores ambush within

let exorbitant louis vuitton parade within

let rusty bmw z4 and mini cooper s cabrio park within

let groping gryphons gnawl within

let there be simple love

within

heart ¢¾

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 15:38:38 GMT

viscious cycle of life

say the wrong thing we pay e price
fair
didn't say the real thing or spoke nothing
n it wrecked everything possibly good
fair?

4 long time i cant write here
too many pp gathering information
secrets tat had to be kept
pain tat had to be absorbed in silence

in such few mths so so so so so much happened
so much
too much

din wan to b laughed at
din wan to b judged
din wan to hurt
din wan to reveal
din wan din wan din wan
lost all
din know how to solve wat to say
all soured
scavenger win
i lost again

life love hopes dreams hurts
all entangled and thrashed
layers upon layers of truths half truths untrues unknown
in-understandable

God
blessings or punishment

wats next
how next
who next
where next
when next

i dun think
i m wrong
i m too nice than nice
so i m wrong again
so i m to be gone

excuses
selfishness
heartlessness
robs steals burns

sometimes i wished i blame
or i rampaged
never....be numbed
either way i lose
i lost

a curse

so how

live on

to control or loose control of life
who leads

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Tue, 18 May 2004 15:09:07 GMT

drained... dun mean i aint up for e challange, jus tired, each day wif new or renewed probs n requests to solve...
guess e most draining is my role as a practitioner vs an arts administraor of an organisation issuing e work orders, looking at the figures...
geesh arts fest e way it never was for me...ha
i still cherish e work n e pay
especially so tat i could afford to pay e heavy fines for e company tax n agm problem...on a favourite date of a month...13...= B

i kinda cried
y
cos emile heskey's sold for 6 over million pounds to birmingham
someone i always liked n respected as a liverpool TEAM player
even wish i ve his name on my jersey, along with murphy who is 13, carragher... all are such giving, never give up, no nonsense fellas on n off e pitch... a fan says on website that heskey defends better than most players in e team.... if he wasnt ard, owen wont score that many...
guess liverpool's nv e same again as well cos thaksin has invested 65million pounds into e team n probly have tom yum soup for breakfast haha
heskey has nv loose his cool despite racist attacks, a gentleman, a v mild fella for his strength build n all... n in this new world of non allegiance, lil loyalty n diluted attachment in so call professional or better termed in most cases, mercenary-ism, heskey has gave so so generously, an undisclosed amt of money to ease funding calamity to his ex club leicester.... chivalry... so rare, sheer brillance.... we ve lost more than birmingham has gained...
i cried, will miss heskey in red

spent quite alot drawing, developing new styles...
spent quite alot as usual on cds n bks etc...
havent got e least of time to get shoes, sunglasses etc...
guess being stimulated visually by e bks is more shiok

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 14:03:17 GMT

a day part of nicoll highway collapse...1 died, 3 missing, 3 injured...
life...
it beats its own rhythm and beat...
34degrees celcius
everyday is scorching
work...
e arts... pp...
complete e jobs n pay's often delayed for months
money...lent out and jus can never get back
sp.... after every production, regardless of its quality...endless politics n working differences and now claims is another problem....
y
must arts always b a sacrifice by the artists?
drained... endless endless problems... a whole day of claims related issues ...endless... so much for all e good appraisals...how many know e few so drained by the bureaucracy of it all... who is real n who isn't... nvm
not like i dun ve 7 core arts fest programmes to handle....n all the different problems....
see it as a challenge for change and renewed learning
is God saying something?
He knows I m not most happy in alot of the jobs in the arts when there's no ceativity involved... n when there is... its always at my financial expense..how
i'll v much b an artist, a visual artist, a fella who draws, paints, sculptures, make things....
i mus take a new step ahead n claim wat i ve lost ion some sort of business somehow...where's my capital....e right pp to adventure with... there are leads...but will it go anywhere...
each day i lunch alone, in the city, by myself... roaming in e bookshop at bras brasah, toy shops n anime shop at clarke quay, cd shops nearby... tempted to spend more than a day's pay on items i ve craved for ... especially e figurines...
brilliant ideas flood in me from the sites i browse with e latest street culture creations n concepts....
its really draining from many pp many happenings
wedding boutique owner n make up artist's dad's health condition is in roller coastal.... God pls help the family...
neighbour kept asking me abt marriage to bring joy to my fanily...gua....
i try my best d for as many pp
who's here then for me?
God somewhere somehow
unseen
solitude
but He's ard... unseen
nvm
ha
God help e victims in the accident and collapse
bring forth another bright hot day for me to brave through again
lead me to my destiny in every area, work , life, love
some pp should learn to respect
respect space
respect pp
respect style
respect privacy
respect me
ha
i aint e best
but
i aint e worst
ha
thank GOD

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 12:16:45 GMT

sian
still sick, almost2wks
TC 3Sho[r]ts & alot of Shoes went well
except tat i found out yet again how when pp complain 1st they win even though they r not in e right. & some1 of middle management has e audacity to rule wif an unreasonable iron big mouth rather than the fist to command me "DON'T
ASK WHY." no one tells me to be e shiny happy robot i ve learnt from sociology! n Jesus teaches never to sit on the fence! May God be our Justice.

Cast's complicatedly troubled by their commitment & miscommitment through the months of communion, hope they sort out all the hearty issues...remember it takes the audience 2 hands to clap for you all, it also takes 2 to be emotionally and relationally in tune... destiny has its flaws to hurt a few souls, there ain't no insurance against love mismatched, misread, misled, misfire, missing.... it cant be enforced... it meant tat it aint love in e 1st place...

started my FULL TIME office work at NAC
geee....cant believe i ve to routinely wake in e morning regardless of my insomnia n rush to on e workstation in that cubicle!
well 3 mths..thank God I can still go teach in st ant, jus by deducting my pay n if no impt work tags along...
but i get to offiicially spend a public holiday Good Friday away from work!1st in my life!

realised my buddies r married n i'm all alone
no hang outs to drink kopi n spout intellectually n wat nots
never ever had an interest group kinda thingy
though i m a friend to so many whom i can be there for when they need e help, we all lead seperate lives n i m by myself, in my room most times, thru e hol n weekend

though i should meet my kindergarten friends whose got their wives tmr for a lunch...decades since this happened but i dunno i think i m tired n m lukewarm abt going out on a crowded sunday...

well dun think liverpool losing to thiery henry of arsenal 4-2 does any good to morale...ha jus not our day

no momentum to file my income tax

sian

Monday, March 22, 2004

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 16:41:20 GMT

bombs on trains in madrid.... bombs in iraq, israel, assasination in afghan... e century of civilain massacres in the name of anti-western domination... freedom n wat nots....sigh

read news on e assasination of hamas leader...
guess in e middle east, more blood will be shed fruitlessly, fueling hatred btw 2 grps of beings, trapped by tradition, religion, vengenace, more suicide bombings, more mourning... guess its never an easy assesment of who's right or more often wrong...tears in my eyes... no one is a real enemy, all could ve been frens, but guess destiny, history n an Almighty jus wanna ve His way...
every being has their rights to have their land, their dreams, neither israelis nor palestinians r wrong to protect their love ones... i have comic book abt e atrocities palestinians faced, but i also know e other side of e targedy...
helpless...saddened...more blood for blood....

ve been thinking alot since i started having scv n watching all e discovery channel n animal planet n ponders.... almost over 90%of young animal or insect or fish babies r meant to be food, cannibalism amongst themselves, fighting for mates, territories, survival, predating, grazing etc, jus to procreate n live on... a very brutal means of living, n if God created the beauty of nature, nature in creation is not heaven but filled with as much sadness when some animals mourns for the deaths... n we as humans are no different... worse...

y in e whole universe, there's one lonely planet with all these feeding on one another?

God's initial creation cant be right n thus there has to be a MORE right in a future heaven... its still brutal for a loving God i guess but guess i cant question that authority... but it makes me feel when we can think, we should a lil something this life to help a lil in whatever ways...

yup for u people who knows, i m back fr reservist... was a gd 3 weeks frankly, blessed with new team mates who r generous to give me rides to n fro to e airbase fr a nearby mrt station... n was quite a breeze really... a real holiday for all of them , not so much for me cos of my nature of work cos i'll still rehearse etc.... but m thankful i survived n pass my ippt too....definitely deproved since a yr ago but still a pass for e time being...

ve been in a solitude mode n mood frankly... work stress maybe, not knowing how n where i can move on after nac n nus projects after nov maybe... of maybe jus feel e stress related to e work n e upcoming sp plays in their cultural festival n lots of players not really ready, their problems, e ltd budget for set n tech... n only me going mad inside for e aspects...but still thankful some of em's more proactive tis yr wif more experience...

well for now... ciao... wanna find some time for my animation which i took a weekend to watch pretty depressing ones haha... jialat...n to save e world in medal of honor, a ww2 game... still prefer CALL of DUTY... e best... if not will try to steer liverpool to winning all e cups in e cyber world, n also exterminate aliens in UFO aftermath.... well if i can find e time...

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 07:20:23 GMT

attended a 1st court appearance...
dun be gullible n get conned into any business if u dun know e fella even if it meant helping a fren, i'll say...
e fella still wont submit accts to e income tax nor ve a agm
my name's out as a director, but still plagued by a 2002 pte ltd prob...
case adjourned by lawyer... i ve paid quite alot for legal protection
ve 2 appear agn in may n cross all fingers tat fella will do wat he claims he'll to my lawyer

well guess i m paying for a lesson in e world of business set up n e true colors of pp, my fren's mum is in e same shoes...

hope tis is worth it

i know there must b some dirty laundry in tat fella's other business set ups tat's all in a mess....

well...

i ve more daunting tasks at hand n ahead... 3 weeks of return to air base...
i ve not been an airfield vehicle operator for 10yrs!! dunno e new base i m transferred to, how 2 get fr 1 end 2 e other end without knowing a single person in a new team yet, n ve not driven nor gotten a licence as yet for 10 yrs n how e erm hell m i to operate e number of heavy plants n i definitely cant remember e procedures of e whole operations n missions...hope i dun screw up e team's life....

n how 2 switch my sleeping n waking time, its so far, my taxi fare's gonna be e death of me n as freelancer, e compensation wont be even half e fare i suspect... probly e lowest paid grad reservist... will miss my students, n screwed up my rehearsal schedules, n my arts fest job....jialat... i must say i fear...i do fear n m man enuf 2 say 2 b put in a unfamiliar condition can be daunting n v disorientating...

pray for me? anyone?

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 03:11:33 GMT

sick from november till early january...seen doc 3times...n lots of self medication...

financial disaster... no work, no pay even job's done...

january...all e bills came...all e work negotiation starts...

madness... all cramped up....

reservist for e 1st time after 10yrs....from next mon onwards for3 weeks... diff to claim money cos of freelance work.... gravely affects my rehearsal process, lost 2 lighting jobs cos clashed.... dunno if i can cope cos i ve forgotten all e driving of e heavy plants n e process of repair etc... n i dun know a single person in e team, cos i ve been split away from my original team... n how to wake n reach camp n into e camp n deep into e camp where my squardron is without transport...n worst still i ve insomnia cos cant slp most days till 4am plus... jialat

i ve a singapore poly production due on 1st n 2nd april... a few short plays they chosen n so many groups cos so many want to act...

i m now part time with national arts council as production manager actually more like also covering technical manager's scope till end of march then from april till june, full time... for the arts festival... geee i wonder if i can stand seated in a cornered space....

i m allowed to still teach in st anthony's if work not affected, but will deduct the hrs away...

i m supposingly to direct next semester nus's theatre studies' 3rd yr's production, approached by my ex-lecturer.... but i ve yet ve the time to read the scripts he passed to me for selection... jialat...

guess tis yr its make or break... if i screw up wif nac n nus... next yr i will be selling char quay tiao n not working in theatre anymore...

for those whom i ve made frens thru tis site... yes i was a way but nv too far away...but guess i need a rest.... u gals n chap take care... kimi, lamb n bro...

n of all wonders n angels... my long lost in sydney TIFF!!who found me thru here!!!

miss u all

Monday, November 24, 2003

Mon, 24 Nov 2003 17:54:02 GMT

lost quite a few k in one eye cry on my own pocket
n in major defecit actually now n 1st tym actually borrow money fr dad n a lady...

expected...gd n bad reviews fr pp in e field n off e arts...extremes i suppose...cant pls all...i know i sticked 2 e principals of autobiographical devised work...

still cant set up bank acct for lack of recommendation

f

so fund cant some in n still owe contractors money

well ve been trying 2 tie down all e post prodn work n all n its draining

completed set design for land of joy during my bump in
did props for a pri sch musical but was v insulted n bullied n infuriated by nonsense fr e staffs n admin cock ups till now!

taught a sp student how 2 work on ucc's follow spot

saved a young beautiful bird of prey, either a hawk or falcon or sea eagle kinda young bird tat smashed into ucc's glass n while trying 2 help it after a long 3quarter of an hr, it flew n was attacked by a large crow n me n 2 st ant students had 2 dashed across e road n chased e crow away tat was having a beakful of its feathers from e belly, as i try helping it into a box 2 bring 2 a vet i called a fren 2 check 4 me online, it flew n smashed into e glass again!geesh...i ran ard to n fro wif it in cabs for 2 days!

vet din let me pay for e $30plus consultant fee. suggested i either bring2 bird park hospital or look after it till it recovered. bot a hamster cage for it.was better n brot it back to nus e next day in e drizzle n let it fly again. i miss it. its a beautiful beautiful bird. tears. but i teared jus 2 c it all cooped up in a cage or a box n so wish i could bring it back 2 nus as it stayed overnight at my home.

it may be bullied by a crow now or fly lowly n is harmed by man made structures of glass, but i strongly believe it will soar high in e sky in yrs to come! it will reign! cos it has potential.

i wish i am e same

i ve to

attended st ant farewell party for e prodn management gals. bot bright pink roses n chocs for e sec 4s n 5s who were there n a full tin of sweets for all.... then they played a game with floor n dirtied e whole function room of a cluster terrace....so spent an hour plus cleaning n washing e floor with hands, cloth etc with a few hardworking gals...

tiring affair but i guess i dun mind e 'dirty' work, at least i dun need to think...

i m v double crossed all e tym actually n m quite sick of it...

f em

haahaa

f

Monday, October 20, 2003

Mon, 20 Oct 2003 16:06:25 GMT

an ecard, some nice smses from a couple of frens n some students, a treat of a kopi tiam tea, a shared cake wif another libra student, a liverpool away jersey n orange tee (all too small...hee need to change) n a foreign card n a gd luck lady bird doll from a gal whom...never mind tat...n mid age...scary...old already...guess a particular person din remember...never mind too...never a big deal to me...its pleasant surprise for some students who know n i am touched in e hearts...enough... i know...i know i prayed n thank God for my parents n giving tis breath 2 see n journey n go through this oddly strange perfectly imperfect world... hmm and i realise i ve no appetite even to eat... a shared bowl of ban mien...

puffy eyes n zombified, n overworked n mad rush 2 settle everything, odd hrs for bread or instant noodles recently... n i need to play a chapter of a war game of WW2 every morning in e wee hrs to keep myself sane tat i can win no matter wat with out e cheats n all n sleep at 6 n qiong e day again...

its 2 mad 2 weeks countdown, i must not panic, i must not cave in, i must not succumb to e tremor, i must fight to e last man n e last bullet... i must... at least i am trying... nothing's easy... n liverpool's failure in recent league matches is depressing but still a lesson for me... dun throw in e towel...its a team i'm building n a dream in process, e results may not be e best perhaps, but its not e end n e fight muz go on...

tmr begets tmr, tmr surpasses today, tmr's another day 2 keep moving, MAN U GOT TO MOVE... a poem by tom gunn in my jc yrs will always push me on...